March 2008

It’s amazing how many excuses I can find when I don’t want to do something.

Not enough time, not enough energy. Can’t find the right words. Can’t find…whatever.

So soon, eh, and I’m fighting the bullshit. I should have known better.

Right now my excuse is that I don’t know how to flip pictures. Yes, it’s true. When I bought a new laptop late last year, I just haven’t bothered to figure out how to use it too well.

And, for the record, whatever program it uses for pictures doesn’t have a simple “flip” button like my other one did.

These were taken 03-01 at a friend’s party. I was hoping to get some just hanging-out-shots, but when time came that I had to go to work, and I had no pictures taken (which were going to specifically be for the blog), I got desperate.

I love Eileen, but I have to question her photography skills. But, without further disclaimer, I’ll go ahead and post them.

This is the first time I’ve allowed, much less strong-armed friends into taking them, full length body shots of myself since my wedding in 1998.

Unflipped, unedited, unable to be given better lighting, here they are.

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Miracles Part II

When ink joins a with a pen, then the blank paper

can say something. Rushes and reeds must be woven

to be useful as a mat. If they weren’t interlaced,

the wind would blow them away.

Like that, God paired up

Creatures and gave them friendship.

Rumi, Essential Rumi, trsltd by Coleman Barks

I read over the Part I part, and I realized I went no where near where I meant to with it.

So I’ll try again.

Apparently it takes a really long time for something to slip down between the folds of my psyche. I’m slow like that at times.

One of the big sayings at the Unity church which I attend is “Know that you know that you know.” Which, on an intellectual level, I got. There is a difference, obviously, between intellectually understanding and really, really getting something.

I don’t know the particular moment that I got that I got that I got it, just that I didn’t at one point, and then I did.

There was a particular moment when I realized something absolutely wonderful, though. There was a shining, singular moment when something spectacular and fabulous and utterly wonderful occurred to me. There was a shining, singular moment when I realized something so profoundly simple.

That I didn’t have to be fat anymore.

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March 5, 2008

We have commanded you to pray and fast from the beginning of maturity; this is ordained by God, your Lord and the Lord of your forefathers. He hath exempted from this those who are weak from illness or age, as a bounty from His Presence, and He is the Forgiving, the Generous.

Baha’u’llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas

It’s that time of the month again! This time, I’ve discovered 7.6 lbs gone this month, bringing my total gone to 10.2 lbs.

Thank God. Literally.

And something I just said two days ago: “And my second day into this particular commitment is way too early to go and break it.”

It wasn’t about the Fast, but it could have been.

Monday, I had a horrible day. My energy crashed about 3 pm, and I couldn’t get it back. I napped. I broke the Fast for coffee (very much trying to stay away from food for it), and I finally ended up eating, but nothing helped.

The next morning, I’m bright and shiny and happy, happy, happy to be eating breakfast before sunrise.

But something happened, and I broke it again. And again, and, if I recall correctly, once more again.

Oh, God and His mysterious ways again.

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Miracles Part I

Thy name is healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor both in this world and the world to come. Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-wise.

— Baha’u’llah, The Hidden Words

In January, I was the recipient of a healing so incredibly deep that I will never, ever be the same.

I don’t know the exact moment. Despite my thinking that healing was a singular moment where the proverbial magic wand is waved over someone’s head and all the hurt and pain was taken away (which, in a way, is exactly how I feel), there was no specific moment for it. At least not one that I can pinpoint.

Considering it was junk I had been holding onto, clinging to, really, for almost half my life, the fact that I don’t remember the moment when I felt released or realized that it was gone amazes me.

It was simply there until it wasn’t. It wasn’t until I went to eat something (non-specific because I really don’t remember) or do something that was part of old habits, and I just sort of said to myself, “I don’t have to do this anymore.”

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And So It Begins

Today marked the beginning of the Baha’i Fast, a spiritual practice which I first encountered last year.

I don’t have any of my numbers handy — my starting weight and things like that, but since I’m such a fan of important dates, I thought this would be a perfect day to begin this blog.

Even if there’s only 20 minutes left in the day.

I really didn’t accomplish much of anything today. I worked, slept, and spent some time with some out-of-town friends.

I also left my medicine at work this morning. That was sort of surprising, and I wasn’t going to bother with it (conceivably unwise, but factual nonetheless) until I remembered that my vitamins were in it, too.

I’ve been making monthly health goals — specific practices which I adopt each month in order to completely create a new healthy lifestyle one or two steps at a time. This month it’s drinking 6 cups of water a day and taking vitamins.

They’re not so much goals as they are commitments. Which is why I found myself, at approximately 10 tonight, driving to work to get my medicine bag. Not because it had medicine in it, but because it had my vitamins in it.

And my second day into this particular commitment is way too early to go and break it.